September is Infant Mortality Awareness Month. Please watch this video and visit this website to learn what you can do to help.

Reducing Infant Mortality from Debby Takikawa on Vimeo.

Video taken from Reducing Infant Mortality and Improving the Health of Babies.

This poem is from Nurse Lochia over at 10 centimeters and beyond. She just suffered a miscarriage. I thought the poem was beautiful and needed to be shared.

I Thought Of You

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby this we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?
“ Yes, you can ” He replied with confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies; when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay.”
I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear.
"I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say"
"We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
"Mommy don’t be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm Here".
"So you see my dear sweet one, your child is OK.
Your baby is here in My home and this where she'll stay.
She'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home she'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother - it's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Still Waiting

I'm still waiting on my results from my SHG last week. I should have called this morning, but I didn't and now I have to wait until tomorrow to call.

I randomly started spotting today. Cycle day 18. What in the world? I've had perfectly normal cycles since they returned 10 months ago. Now I start going back to the RE and the go all wonky on me. Maybe implantation spotting? I should be so lucky! I've never been pregnant on my own in over 4 years of unprotected sex. Why should this time be any different? Oh the injustice of infertility! Every minuscule change in a cycle leads to thoughts of a pregnancy. Yet, invariably, your period returns a few weeks later and hopes are dashed again.

Taking Another Chance: Take 1

So here I am. About to try for another pregnancy. So what? What's the big deal? It took me nearly two years and two IVF cycles to get pregnant the first time. I was ecstatic when it finally happened. What's more, I was pregnant with twins!

I started bleeding around my 11th week of pregnancy. I went in for an ultrasound "just for peace of mind." I was told that "Twin B" did not look very good. I was told to come back in a week or two for another ultrasound to check on my subchorionic hemorrhage that caused the bleeding in the first place.

At my repeat ultrasound, I was told that "Twin B" (later to be named, L) had a severe defect in her brain. I was referred to a perinatologist for the following week.

The visit with the peri was not one I would like to repeat. My husband and I were told that L had holoprosencephaly. HPE occurs when the brain fails to divide properly into right and left hemispheres. While some children can live with HPE, L was believed to have the most severe form. We were told to expect her to be stillborn or to die shortly after birth.

The remainder of my pregnancy was filled with at least 3 ultrasounds each month as well as visits to neonatologists, pediatricians, and neurosurgeons. I was in denial that my baby would die upon birth and was bound and determined to find someone who was able to give me some hope. I never did find that person.

When I was 29 weeks pregnant, it was determined that my cervix was thinning and funneling. I was put on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. At 31 weeks 5 days, my water broke. My twins, W and L were born at 2:19am on September 27, 2007 by C-section. W weighed 3lbs 6oz and was 16 inches long. L was 1lb 12oz and 12 inches long. L lived for 1 hour and 37 minutes and was held by loving arms her entire life. W had a brief 22 day stay in the NICU as a "feeder and grower."

W is now a thriving and happy 22 month old little boy. I think about my daughter in heaven every time I look at him. I miss her dearly. There are no words that can adequately describe the grief that I felt, and still feel, when she passed away.

All that being said, my husband and I are ready to have another baby. We had our consultation with the RE for an IVF cycle last week. I am nursing my son and have no plans of stopping until he shows signs that he is ready and was mentally prepared to have the RE tell me that I would need to wean in order to do an IVF cycle. Surprisingly, she was very supportive of my breastfeeding. I wouldn't go as far as saying that she was thrilled to do an IVF cycle on a nursing mother, but she didn't rule it out either.

I had my SHG today and should be getting the results later this week. I will have my cycle day 3 testing in a few weeks.

So that's were I am. Getting ready to take the plunge again. I hope that it's a smoother road than last time.